You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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