i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
