I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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