Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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