1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
