I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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