I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
