You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
