I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
