i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
