A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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