She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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