Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
