it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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