You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
