so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
