i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
