He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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