My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
