Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
