Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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