I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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