You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
