her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
