you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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