you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
