i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
