I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
