It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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