I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
