god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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