My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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