The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
