i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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