Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
