So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
