Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
