For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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