Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
