I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
