I want to make a zoo with you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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