I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
