I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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