I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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