The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
