I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
