Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
