You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
