But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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