She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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