All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
