My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
