im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
