You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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