I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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