Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
