I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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